We got up and left at 5:45a.m. First off, that is WAY too early for anyone to be functioning and on the road and second, Riley is way to grumpy. It made for a sad sad day! And I don’t mean just for Riley. This momma …was… a …MESS. Breakdown # 2099! I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know exactly what is going to happen but holding my baby while they put him out, then seeing him lay there helplessly on that big table just hit a spot and I lost it. Today I have those feelings of sadness at myself, that I didn’t and can’t protect him from this monster inside of him. His tiny body is so sick and all I can do is hold him and hopefully that is enough. Today is the day that I actually questioned, why this little boy, why any little kids? They are so innocent and wonderful and have no idea and can’t understand why they are sick, and all I can say to Riley is, just a minute and they’ll be done, or it isn’t going to hurt that bad, when I really have no idea how bad it will hurt. Today, I had feelings of, I can’t do this anymore…. And we haven’t even begun. My heart can’t handle this pain and sadness he is going through. Riley just cries every time we get in the car to go to the Dr’s. I don’t blame him. But I wonder how we're going to get through next week, having to go every single morning.
Riley’s big brother Hunter is also having a really hard time with all of this. He is acting out so much and last night he had a breakdown himself. Not crying, but yelling and kicking and screaming. I went into his room and told him that it was okay, get it out, be mad, what ever you need to do, is okay. It went on for a while, but I think it helped, I hope it did anyway! He has been so worried about Riley and has been taken to and from wonderful aunts to wonderful grandma’s for such a long time, that come Monday, he would not go to school… Or Tuesday… Or Wednesday. He won’t go to soccer and he won’t go outside and play either. I think he misses his best friend too! We have had to do some special one on one time with Hunter, which is good for all of us, so I hope it helps and this isn’t too traumatizing for him!
On a good note, here are a couple of my favorite pictures, and times that I want to always remember! The many days and nights in that dang rocking chair next to Riley’s bed, just holding his hand and kissing it, telling him, “mommy is right here, you don’t need to be scared.”
On a good note, here are a couple of my favorite pictures, and times that I want to always remember! The many days and nights in that dang rocking chair next to Riley’s bed, just holding his hand and kissing it, telling him, “mommy is right here, you don’t need to be scared.”
These ups and downs are going to be the death of me!!
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| Love my sweet, brave boy! |
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| I feel so helpless... |
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| and just want to take all the pain away! |
Every night Riley and your little family is in our prayers. My kids are so worried about him. We are here for you brandy! Just wish there was more I could do for you!!
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