I can't believe how fast my emotions can change....I guess it's like Ri's taste buds!!
I have to admit I've done pretty good this week, I actually felt a little bit like myself, laughing and joking around. Then yesterday Riley woke up and I looked at his pillow and there was so much hair that had fallen out. Not like he has a bald patch, but like a dog shedding. It just broke my heart.
Then throughout the day his hair was EVERYWHERE falling out
........ AND.......
throughout the day, my happiness was falling as well.
By the end of day I was on edge, even with Chris.
Riley kept asking me if it's going to hurt when his hair falls out..... "no honey, it won't!" So today I showed him his hair and said "LOOK, theirs your hair, it fell out last night!!, did it hurt?" He smiled and said no!
I'm tired of the world and all it's happiness. I get so angry when good things happen to other people, but I get so angry when they say they are sick or having a bad day. I have to be really careful of Facebook these days! And just bite my tongue.
Last night I was on the phone with my Internet company because my Internet was out and the lady kept pressuring me and asking why I don't have a land line, why don't you have cable t.v.? Well do you want it....NO. She said "well, what is the reason you don't want it?" I said I can't afford it. She says, well we have several plans that may fit your budget......blah blah blah...... I finally got angry and said...... STOP, my 5 year old has cancer, OKAY, that is why I can't afford it and DON'T want it.
Oh man, that is probably the first time I have lost it like that....Poor lady. I'm so sorry it had to be you.
Then today an old work buddy posted on Facebook, something like, I need to hear your bad days so mine doesn't seem so bad..... In a nice way I had to respond and say "My 5 year old has cancer, feel better?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
It's one thing to sit in my house and think like this, but now I am acting out and saying things to other innocent by standards.
This hair things is really affecting me, worse then I thought. And I THOUGHT it would be bad. AND.... it hasn't even really fell out yet.
People keep telling me, "it's because your a hair dresser", I don't know if that's it or if it's because it's visually real.
I have some SUPER CUTE friends that have called and said, I'll grab lunch today, what do you want? And I just want to say, bring me this but I don't want to talk or see anyone. WHO AM I??? I love these girls and I'm shutting them out.
IS THIS OKAY???? Good heavens!! No wonders Riley doesn't want to leave the house, he feels the same way!
We barely left the staring line and have a whole race to finish...... I'm going to get it together!!
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Love that you are totally normal! You can call and vent and swear to me anytime....I might even join you
ReplyDeletePam
Oh Brand there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! I think that his hair falling out is going to be one of the hardest parts for you. Not just because your a hairdresser, but because you are a mom. No mother wants to see their kid sick and then to have a constant reminder. Just know that no matter how much you shut us out we still care and are here for you! I knew something was wrong silly girl! I think it's best if you just stay off FB for a while. Who needs it anyway! Loved the last sentence of this post. Get in that race girl, we will carry you if we have to!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya! Calie
You are one amazing mom. I'm with Kiki, you are not sad his hair is falling out because your a hairdresser. Your a mom! You can see what is happening to him and it sucks. Also, you know how much Ri loves his hair. Brand, please don't shut us out. You def get your days where you can be alone or tired or mad or unhappy. But you also need people to help you make you happy. You can do hard things!! Love you sweet face!
ReplyDeleteThere is no right or wrong way to handle cancer and the last month of your life. You are a rockstar. Everyday you wake up ready to love, support, nurture and help your family. I have days and weeks that I feel like my emotions are all over the place and my child does not have cancer. It means you love deep and you hurt deep. You are so wonderful. I just love you and feel so grateful for your friendship. I know it's hard to actually do... but one day at a time. As women and mothers it's natural to look at the future and worry... but at the end of the day you will do it.... all 22 more treatments. Just like you did the day of his surgery... radiation and so many other hard things. Riley is strong. He's got fight in him. He will be blessed every day of this journey. I love what Calie said.... We will carry you if we have to! HECK YES we will. You're not alone. We are all on the track running with you. Keep going. One little step at a time until you look back and realize you finished the marathon! Love you and praying for your family.
ReplyDeletexoxo Ang
P.S. Lets enjoy this moment of internet coverage! haha :)
ReplyDeleteI know I don't know you, but I check in on Riley and your family often via your blog. We have quite a few mutual friends, which is how I found out about your story. First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through such a heart-wrenching experience. I just had to comment and tell you that I think you are completely normal for feeling the things that you are feeling. I can imagine that I would react the EXACT same way. This in no way compares to what you are going through, but when I was struggling with infertility, Facebook became my worst nightmare. Anything, and almost everything, would set me off or hurt me. Of course, people don't mean to intentionally hurt others, but words can be powerful when you are struggling with hard things in your own life. You are an awesome momma. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete