I sit here tonight with a heavy heart. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. My mind just keeps thinking over and over, everything that is going on. I've walked in Riley's room a hundred times tonight to just make sure he's okay. And every time I see this skinny little boy who does not deserve this. Of course I can't help but wonder, why is this happening? Life is hard enough without things like this. I'm really trying not to go "there" but as I look at Riley sleeping, he's so innocent, and his shirt has ridden up so I can see his belly and that big scar across it. My heart just breaks. I know things could be worse, at least he is still here but I'm just so angry.
Things have been going so good this week. He handled chemo better then any other week! He didn't get my head cold, so far and he even road the scooter with Hunter and his friend yesterday!!! He wanted to "go play" with them. So he road 3 blocks down the street, and I was a nervous wreck the hole time. I called his friend, Colby's mom 2 times and I even walked down there once. It was a small victory and we'll take it!! Today however, he was so worn out. He didn't get off the couch but for minutes at a time. So many ups and downs, whether big or small it's hard to live life this way.
I wanted to be "a normal" family tonight, so we all went to Hunter's last soccer game. It was a fight to get Riley to go and he only made it about a half hour. I miss our old life.... I think we all do.
This is HARD.
Why do the good days break me down? I'm trying to take my own advise and tell myself that it's okay to feel how I feel but as good as Riley has done, I feel guilty for feeling down.
I'm still having a hard time with his hair falling out, not as bad as I was, but enough that I prayed the other night that it would just all fall out so that, that part of this would be over with, (and maybe be easier for me). Then, the very next day Riley had tears and said "mom, I don't want to loose all my hair". At that moment I got an answer to my prayer..... It's not about me.
Ri, I wish I could take this all away but since I can't, I will bet there every minute with you, Love mom.