Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Finally...... an update!!! (about me) (Riley will be on the next post!)

It's taken me a long time to update, I know. (beware it's long!!)

I have tried many times to write but I just couldn't do it. I guess it's because the way I feel probably wouldn't make sense to most. I have had MANY ups and downs and I guess I could say I lost myself for a while.
Riley is doing absolutely fantastic!!! It's been a long time since I've been able to say those words!!
I have been doing absolutely terrible!! But I am getting better!

I am not going to post any pictures on this post, I want to write about what I've been through as a mom, maybe to help other women out there who are lost like I was/ still am.

After Riley's last chemo treatment and port removal, Things were great! Riley did so amazing and was getting his energy back very quickly! We went on our Make a Wish trip from Nov 3-9 and had the absolute best time that we have ever had in our lives. When we got back, I gave Riley a couple days to recoup, then he started school on Tuesday Nov. 12th. (No, I still don't have the first day of school pic, Riley wouldn't let me take one!)
School went really well, I only had to stay that week with him and the next week he said "Mom, I think I want to go to school by myself, like the other kids do." I said "okay", even though it broke my heart! I knew this was the best thing for all of us.
He got sick about 1 day out of every week for about 4 weeks, and ever since then, he has been just fine.
But, I have not.......
After many many weeks of MAJOR anxiety and some depression, my sister came to me and said this is not right and I NEEDED to see a Dr., she even made the appointment.
I thought to myself, I got on some meds several months ago, why do I feel this way? I shouldn't have to go to the Dr. .........
Oh yes I did!!
I was told I had PTSD, ODC, anxiety and depression.
Looking back, I can see it. I was really struggling, I thought once we had finished chemo, that the hard part was over and we would be on a new path...... it wasn't for me, it had just began.
I went from 100,000 miles an hour to a dead stop.  I was mostly relying on momentum and adrenalin to get me through days and weeks, that eventually caught up to me and It was to much for me to process and handle.
I thought, how do I have PTSD? I didn't go to war and see and do what soldiers do. But I was told that I went through my own kind of war and it will continue, and as a mom I will continue to worry and protect and go through phases of emotions for quit a while.
It started slowly, but got to where every day I would wake up with A and D (anxiety and Depression) or It would slowly creep up on me though out the day and by night time, it would consume me. There were days I would be up most of the night, consumed by fear and what ifs and why, anger, sadness, checking on the boys over and over etc. etc. etc.
Some days I slept all day while the kids were at school. And when they would come home, I would be this blank wall, telling them to fend for themselves. (of course I always made sure they were safe.)
I LOVED them so much and my heart was so full of love for them it was going to burst but then I would ignore their comments or request and they would get on my nerves so bad I wanted to scream.

Some days I would try to wake up Hunter for school and when he would fight me, I would either get really upset with him, other days I would just got climb back in bed and say, "I can't do this today". So the boys would stay home from school and watch a movie and do homework here. Because life was just to much. All the while in bed I would be a nervous wreck about EVERYTHING.
I AM NOT THAT MOM. My kids go to school. They will get a good education and be the best they can be. But right now, it's all I can do to just breath.

About the beginning of December, my anxiety flipped because of the new meds I has switched to and I went from extreme high to a low, but my depression went from lower to EXTREME high.
I would lay there at night and just wait for the darkness to consume me, I would loose myself all day, not doing a thing but feeling exhausted. I didn't care if I eat or got dressed, I especially didn't care about Christmas and putting up the tree and decorations. Chris and the boys did it all as I sat on the couch in a daze, not caring one bit. THINGS did not matter to me. I never really went shopping. Or cleaned. I would have a breakdown every day. I was falling apart at an extremely fast rate.
I dragged myself to a store because I was told to get out and go look for this one item, while I was in there, I heard a girl say, "mom, I really really want this coat.... I don't like the one I have". I was so infuriated. I thought you little brat, you already have a coat but you don't like it.... boo hoo. There are people out there with no coat at all. Needless to say, I dropped everything and left before I said it to her face.
I didn't care about friends or family or ANYTHING.
 We don't have excess money, but I didn't care, sometimes it was to much to make a sandwich, but I could drive to the drive up window and order a cheeseburger and a LARGE Dr.Pepper. This is not me, I am not careless with our money, especially right now when we have to use fundraiser money to make ends meet.

I knew it was time to go back to the Dr. when my husband told me that I needed to get it together. AND, while one day my sister was over and I was making something in the kitchen and I just cried and cried, saying, I don't know what is wrong with me, I'm just so sad.
YEP, we called the Dr.!!

For about 2 and a half weeks, I have been on a new med!!
I think I am finally leveling out!!
I never knew what it meant to be "crazy" as I sometimes refer to myself or as others refer to people like "me"! But in reality were NOT crazy, we are depleted. I am so glad to have such a wonderful Dr. who can explain things in such great detail that I understand why I feel the way I feel, that I can go to and let him know when my levels are off. I wish A and D was not so hard for people to talk about. I wish it was as simple and easy to talk about as a tooth ache. I wish I didn't know how wonderful Dr. Chad Parrish at Salem Hills Medical clinic is!! But I'm glad I can express myself and help anyone who might be struggling too.

To all the friends and family that I have ignored or hurt feelings with my absence. I am sorry. I am working on it and will be okay, one day!!  Please be patient with me.

Through all of this, one thing stayed the same, my compassion and care for others. I wanted to help the world even if I couldn't function. I wanted to help the needy, and we did, somehow! And it was a great feeling and lesson for my kids. It wasn't much, AT ALL. But it warmed our hearts and let us remember Jesus and what Christmas is about.
AND in return, we were blessed and helped too. Thank you to the many people who dropped stuff off,  from cookies to lasagna, money, or just a card. We have been watched over and blessed every step of the way. Thank YOU.

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