Pre SCAN days.....

Have you ever wondered.....
Would I like to know when I'm going to die? Or when I'm going to get sick? Or when I'm going to get in an accident?
Thinking, maybe, it would be easier to deal with if I knew first. Or, that you would live your life to the fullest if you knew you were going to die, say your goodbyes, prepare.
Well..... NOT ME.
And especially not for my kids.

I know, I know, scans aren't going to tell me Riley's cancer is back and he is dying. But, they might have some really bad news. Bad news, I don't think I'm ready to deal with.

This is only our first 3 month scan and I knew it would be difficult to prepare for. But this is torture on me.

I was doing pretty good this last week, until Wednesday. I don't know what it was. I was preparing my head and taking care of myself, keeping busy so I don't "go there" when that evening it hit. My body and heart knew what was coming up even though my brain was telling it, it's okay. (not even sure if that makes sense, but that's what it felt like.)

Ever since Wednesday, I have been good during the day, trying to just focus on the house and kids, but come every evening and night, it gets me........
I AM SCARED

I don't sleep until 2, 4:00 a.m., whatever time exhaustion finally takes over and I give in.
I am trying to loose myself in movies and books. Yesterday, I slept most of the day and when I got up, I had to get out. I said come on, we are all going to dinner, (thanks to a Christmas gift card!!) It was so great, then we took the kids to the pet store! They LOVE going there! As we were getting into the car, I froze. I knew when we were in the store, I didn't want to go home. But as we were loading, I DID NOT WANT TO GO HOME. We put the kids in the car and I pulled Chris to the back, outside and had a little breakdown. I could feel the air leaving my body and I couldn't get it back. I was crying and saying, if we go home then I have to deal with it one more night. One more night of not sleeping, of wondering and thinking and driving myself crazy.
I don't want to go through the next few days of this, but I do, to get it over with.
Chris is amazing and picked me back up and helped me through, until 1 a.m. when he finally fell asleep. 4:30 a.m was the last time I saw on the clock, THANK GOODNESS.

I know what people must be thinking, but please don't tell me to STOP, please don't tell me it's going to be okay, or be strong. Because I've tried to do all those things and nothing helps.

I am a mom who's life can change tomorrow, AGAIN. I am trying to protect my son from a monster that may or may not be back in his body. I am trying to hold a family together, all the while I want to crawl in a hole and just get away from this crap.

I am so selfish that I don't want to play with Riley because every time I look at him, I think, do you have cancer again? When will you be sick again? When will the days end that you stop running around and smiling? When will I loose my boy AGAIN?

I don't know why I think like that. I know it's not good. You would think I would be living it up every day with him. But I'm not and I don't know why. 

I also know, it could be worse. I know and am reminded daily of kids with cancer that WILL take their lives, or have already taken their lives,  people that are disabled, friends and family that don't have jobs, or have teenager problems.

LIFE IS HARD

In no way am I EVER saying mine is harder. I am just not dealing very well with my trial that may change TOMORROW.

I am so thankful for prayers and thoughts and love, I sure have needed it!
I will update as soon as I can re: tomorrow's scans.