Almost done!! Week 23!! Why am I.... not me???

Tomorrow will be week 23 since we started treatments, 1 more treatment to go (in 2 weeks, week 25) making it a total of 15 chemotherapy treatments.

I remember when I was pregnant with Riley, I started pre-term labor at 17 weeks. They didn't know why. I just remember them saying, "you have to make it to 23 weeks before they will try to save your baby's life." It was such a scary time, wondering if we were going to make it. If Riley would even be born at all, and if he was, what kind of problems he would have. Then at 24 weeks, they said, "you have to make it to 25 weeks, that is your baby's 50/50 chance of living if delivered then", well, Riley is stubborn and fights like a champ!! We made it to 37 weeks!! It wasn't easy and we had weekly visits and meds etc etc. But we made it!! I think back and those weeks dragged on and it felt like we were never going to make it to the end. Those scary times were so long ago..... ...
And here we are again.... trying to make it to week 25! Weeks dragging on, sometimes really sick, sometimes doing "okay"!
Ready to JUST BE DONE!!! 

We are so close to the end and Riley is doing so good (overall). His spirits are high, he is happy and smiles and runs around crazy some days!! Scans are "good", and we have had some AMAZING experiences happen to us.
.......... So why am I ......... So not me?
Why am I struggling worse then ever?

People keep saying..... "yay, your almost done!"
but to me..... were not.
I can't shake this doubt in my heart that won't let me be happy and feel relieved. I feel like were not done yet, and I don't know what that means and it really scares me.

With this cancer, Riley's best chance for relapse is 6 months out to 2 years out. It is a very fast growing cancer, so we will get scans every 3 months. The problem is, the tumor just didn't have cancer INSIDE it, the tumor WAS the cancer, so anything the tumor touched, had cancer on it, organs, walls, thankfully not inside them, just on the outside. So the cancer could come back anywhere in his right abdomen.

I also have this fear because right now, the chemo is killing cancer cells that are trying to grow and multiply, no matter how microscopic. Once chemo is done, there is nothing fighting.

I guess as a mom, I will always have the worry that Riley could get cancer again or that over the next 7 years while were still closely monitored, the scans will come back with bad news.

I have been totally consumed with CANCER for almost 6 months now, I eat breathe and look at cancer all day. I'm really trying to see the good, but when I look at my sick (mostly) bald boy, I can't help but get down and sad. Even when he's smiling and happy and feels good, It gets to me.
All my focus is on the boys and every waking minute is devoted to them. 
My sister gets mad at me and says I need to STOP and focus on something else before I go crazy.... well, I agree, but to late, I am already crazy!

My emotions are everywhere, from one hour to the next, day to day. Sometimes I feel sad and want sympathy and other times I don't want to talk and don't care about anything but the boys. This is not good when trying to maintain friendships and a semi normal life. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect, I don't have energy to keep up and my anxiety levels are maxed out.

YEP, I THINK I'VE GONE CRAZY!!! 

I'm sorry to everyone, that I have not been myself. Please be patient with me and know I am not meaning to hurt you or ignore you. I'm just trying to survive.